Gorgeous George – the Play
In the spring of 2015 the members of the Country Roads Drama Club put on an original play about life in Country Roads RV Park in Yuma Arizona. It was a satire poking fun at everything that goes on in the small world of 2 – 3 thousand people who live in the park during the height of the season.
The play is being introduced by the author and director of the play assuring the audience that every character is a fictional character who has no resemblance or connection to anyone living or dead and that the actors are there to amuse the audience – hopefully
Act 1 – Scene 1
The curtain is closed – a long table is sitting at stage left with 6 chairs around it facing the audience – 3 men JIM, JACK and HARRY come ambling up the stairs – greeting one another and sit down. Little by little the other 3 men – JOHN, AL, and BRIAN come drifting up as well – GUITAR MAN comes up a little later. Coffee is being served by a CR volunteer,
ALICE. She is a bit lippy with the guys – she is there to help but can quit at any time.
JIM: A bit chilly this morning, isn’t it?
JACK: Yeah, but aren’t you glad you are not in Michigan
HARRY: I thought you were from Vancouver, B.C.!
JACK: Yes, and I am really glad I am not in Michigan – where I come from, we at least don’t have to shovel the rain.
JOHN is waiting at the bottom of the stairs on the word “rain” he starts up the stairs carrying a couple of golf clubs, followed by Al and BRIAN
JOHN: Thought I would have time to get a quick coffee with you guys before I head out. We are teeing off at 8:30.
HARRY: You are starting out early today!
JOHN: Yes, I guess – but I am in a horseshoe tournament at one, then Freda wants to go to the dance up in the ball room at three, and then we have the Poker Club Pot Luck dinner – you almost need a dance card to remember where you are going next. But we are both having a ball, and it sure beats watching the snow falling in Ohio.
(Joe, GUITARMAN comes up the stairs carrying his guitar)
JOE: Good Morning – I have a new song I wanted to sing on the patio later, could I try it out on you guys and see what you think?
(they all say, sure, yes etc.)
JOE: I found it on the ‘net, and I just set it to music ( sings the Snowbird song)
AL: Hey I like that!
HARRY: Yes that is great!
JIM: Man, remember how much time we spent shoveling snow during the winter? You would start at one end and when you got to the other end, your could start all over again.
JACK: Just as well, I don’t have to shovel the walk. We are having Happy Hour at our place this afternoon, so I guess I will get pressed into service to get ready for that. I think it is Elli’s painting group, so we will have to get everything tiddly.
JOHN: What is the traffic like coming out of Al Godones these days? My brother-in-law and his new wife are coming down from Palm Springs on a “drug run” tomorrow?
BRIAN: It is pretty good if you get in early and right back out again. But after lunch it gets pretty hairy.
ALICE: So – what are you big spenders wanting to order today? – We have a lovely truffle omelet – or perhaps a bit of fresh Russian caviar? (pretending to be a snooty waiter)
HARRY: In your dreams, Alice – Just coffee for me – gotta look good for the ladies.
ALL: (in chorus) Yes just coffee for me too.
ALICE: Yeah – don’t break the bank!
(while the men are chatting, ALICE brings coffee to the table)
AL: (leaning in confidentially) I just ran into AJ – he is in early today and he is all excited. – There was a cancellation of one of our shows and somehow he got Gorgeous George, the world famous country and western singer to come instead.
ALL: (incredulously) Gorgeous George???
ALICE: You are kidding! –George Haskens is going to sing?
BRIAN: (Ignoring Alice’s comment) Come on – that is a pretty tall tale, even for you, Al – Are you trying to start another crazy rumour? – There is no way Gorgeous George
is coming to Yuma – much less Country Roads. He doesn’t do little rinky dink venues like ours. He is world famous and only does the big cities and the big arenas. I think AL saw you coming.
AL: No – it is on the level – something about Gorgeous George losing a bet or something, and now he is committed to put on a show at Country Roads. He normally makes hundreds of thousands of dollars per show. It is just like us winning the lottery.
JACK: Wow – the women will go nuts – not that it isn’t a big deal for us as well. Tickets for his shows usually go for over $300 a pop.
BRIAN: Oh no – that will just be another excuse for my wife to go shopping – it will be the reason for at least one new outfit – Kohl’s – here she comes! – This is one rumour I am not going to pass on!
JIM: Yeah – and my wife will be right behind her – those credit cards will be red hot.
JACK: What did that new set of golf clubs set you back? – You had better hope she doesn’t find out or she will really go to town!
JIM: Hey – whose side are you on? – My wife and I already had words this morning, and I never got to use mine!
All: General laughter. – Good One!
HARRY: I think you guys are a little hard on your ladies – I find a softer approach works wonders.
JIM: Spoken as a true bachelor – I can’t even shower in our place – it is being used as an extra closet.
HARRY: Aren’t you lucky you live close to one of the Satellites? – But if this rumour really is true, I’ll sure be able to impress the grandkids – Gorgeous George is on their ipods and everything. They are going to think we are pretty hip.
BRIAN: We have had some pretty good rumours going over the years. Remember when we had them convinced that Carol Channing was buying a park model in here
JACK: Well, she did come to see our show, so there was some basis for the rumour.
JOHN: Oh and do you remember when we started the rumour about not allowing diesel trucks into the park except to bring the rig in and out?
JIM: Oh Yes – I remember that. The whole park was in an uproar. Those who didn’t have a diesel didn’t want to pay for a shuttle back and forth from the storage yard! – That really stirred things up.
(the men start singing to the tune of “The Quartermaster’s Store)
There are rumours, rumours, Lots of juicy rumours
At the park, at the park
There are rumours, rumours, Lots of juicy rumours
At the Country Road’s Café
Our eyes are sharp, our minds are keen
The truth we bend, ‘bout what we’ve seen
But – oh what a hoot
When they all salute
Act 1, Scene 2
Before the spot light comes on the West side of the stage, the piano starts playing the chicken gossiping song from the Musicman for about 30 seconds. When the light comes on we see the 6 girls huddled close together wearing all sorts of pool paraphernalia and carrying noodles, towels and bags. They stay in their huddle talking gibberish for another 30 seconds whith the piano before the groups spreads out and starts talking as they are moving. They line up with IRENE, CORA, BETTY, CINDY closest to centre stage. Also in this scene CAROL, SUZY, FREDA.
IRENE: Hi Girls – I brought my new neighbour, Cora – she would like to join us for water aerobics.
(the women all say hi – glad to have you join us etc.)
CORA: Gee – this place is so friendly and I hear you have a- singles group. I sure wouldn’t mind meeting a nice single man.
CAROL: Good luck with that – most of them are a bit gun shy and then there are those that are just looking for a nurse with a big purse.
CINDY: And make sure he drives after dark!
(lots of giggles)
CORA: You never know, it never hurts to look.
SUZY: In that bathing suit, I think they will be doing the looking. – I don’t know about the rest of you, but have you been trying on bathing suits lately? I swear they are only making them in sizes up to 12!
CAROL: It’s a nightmare, all right!
SUZY: I was in the dressing room at Dillards and they bring me these elastic bands that you have to be a contortionist to get up over one leg and then you still have a leg left over – the elastic only holds some of it in, the rest sort of oozes out at the top and bottom – and so help me – I lost a couple of my favourite body parts for a while till they showed up as a speed bump around my middle. – talk about humiliating.
(lots of laughing)
CINDY: You think that is humiliating – I thought my husband was being romantic and wanting to go skinny dipping and instead invited me to go chunky dunking
SUZY: Oh – Not a good move on his part.
CORA: Maybe I should string up a clothes line with a few unmentionables on it.
IRENE: Better not do that – you’ll get a visit from the Architectural Control Committee, and I don’t think any of them are single.
BETTY: I guess we should get to the pool – I cannot stand here all day. I am going shopping. I need new shoes to go with the outfit I bought at Dillards.
IRENE: Yes, and then you will see another pair of shoes you just cannot resist and then you have to find another outfit to go with those. How many trailers do you have behind your motorhome lugging all that stuff home?
BETTY: Hey – I lost two pounds last week clogging and doing zumba and I am celebrating with some new stuff.
CINDY: And I found those two pounds – I wish you would be more careful where you drop those things. I’ll have to go shopping too – When are you planning to leave?
FREDA: (comes huffing and puffing up the stairs) Did you hear the news??? Gorgeous George is coming to Country Roads and he is going to put on a show here!
ALL: Gorgeous George????
CORA: George Clooney is coming to Country Roads?
CINDY: No silly – Gorgeous George, the world famous country and western singer.
SUZY: Whoa – I think we have to be a bit careful about starting rumours here. You know how things get blown out of all proportion – and that one is pretty farfetched. Where would we find the kind of money to pay for his show?
CAROL: I heard tickets for his show are over $300 a ticket. You are not going to find too many people in here that are prepared to pay that for a show in the ball room!
FREDA: Well, according to John, and he heard it from Al who got it directly from AJ – Gorgeous George apparently lost some kind of bet, and now he has to put on a show here at Country Roads. – and -at our regular rates – THAT IS HUGE! – Yuma will never be the same again.
IRENE: Wow I find it hard to believe – some of the rumours that get going around here are sometimes a little hard to swallow. Some people have just too much time on their hands.
SUZY: Well – speaking of rumours – did you hear about that little lady that is renting next to the Shaw’s this year.
ALL: No – what???
SUZY: I really am not sure about this one, but it is kind of funny. She seems to have a lot of male relatives that come to visit. – There is a rumour that she used to run a chicken ranch in Nevada.
CINDY: Suzy – really!
BETTY: well – are we going swimming or not? – I have a full day ahead of me. I have to go shopping before I go to bridge this afternoon, and then I have to make a dish for Happy Hour with the neighbours. – I have never been so busy – and quite frankly – I have never had this much fun. Let’s get going, gals – WOO HOO
Girls start dancing across the stage holding their towels up in front of them singing
By the Pool, by the pool, by the beautiful pool
You and me, you and me, oh how happy we’ll be
By the pool, by the pool, you and me you and me
and Georgie boy too
BETTY: But wouldn’t it be something if it really is true that Gorgeous George is coming to Country Roads??
Gales of laughter and hi 5s – CINDY, CORA, BETTY and IRENE dance into the back of the stage, the other girls head down the West Staircase.
STAGE GOES DARK
Act 1, Scene 3
As the curtain opens,AUDREY walks by calling lunch numbers, carrying a tray.The cast members are busy setting up three tables. IRENE and CORA are sitting at the table on the East side of the stage. CINDY, MARY, BRIAN and BETTY are sitting at the table in the middle.. ALICE and AL come in from the back and start talking to the table of four. CORA is carrying a big hard cover mystery novel and primping and looking around to check out the action.
Also in this scene are HARRY, JACK, JOHN, RUBY, VERA, LYDIA, THE REPORTER, and ROGER from SECURITY)
AUDREY: (Walking across the stage ) No. 76!
BETTY: Good to see you eat here even though you have volunteered all morning serving breakfast. Gives one faith in the establishment.
ALICE: Oh yes – the clientele is a bit more sophisticated at lunch than early in the morning. I have to stay on my toes to keep that early morning coffee bunch in line. You should have seen them this morning, they were in fine fettle!
CINDY: There seems to be a lot of activity around the place today. – don’t tell me there is yet another rumour flying around?
MARY: Who knows – sometimes this place is abuzz for no reason at all.
IRENE: What are you reading, Cora. You have had your nose in that book every time I have seen you the last few days.
CORA: It is a Mystery Novel! I just love reading murder mysteries. People just disappear and then turn up dead. It is just scary, And it could happen anywhere – I tell you!
HARRY comes sauntering in carrying his tennis racket
AL: Howdy, Good Neighbour!
IRENE: Hi there, did you win the tournament again?
HARRY: No – not this time – there are some good players among the new people this season.
IRENE: Have you met my friend Cora – she is renting next door to us this year. She is a tennis player too – aren’t you, Cora? – (she kicks Cora under the table)
CORA: (coyly) Oh – hi! – I am not very good at it. I think I need a coach to improve a bit. – Nice to meet you. (fluttering her lashes)
HARRY: Come join the group, we have a lot of people willing to help. Nice to meet you. – I think I had better go order my lunch.
(beats a hasty retreat, heads towards the back and turns around and stops at the centre table)
HARRY: Well, what is the status of the rumour mill?
BETTY: You mean about Gorgeous George? – I personally think it is another one of those rumours cooked up in the Liars’ Club in the morning. Those guys never know when to stop.
CINDY: I agree – the gossip and rumours flying around are getting out of hand!
HARRY joins the table at the West side of the stage. There is a commotion at the stairs leading up to the stage. Two young women in very funky apparel come bustling up onto the stage from the West staircase.
VERA: What is Gorgeous George doing in a place like this? – It is kinda pretty in a Geezer sort of way. But it sure isn’t the Coliseum or the Astrodome. I am telling you – this is weird!
RUBY: There is something weird about the whole thing – all these Golden Oldies running around like a bunch of kids at summer camp – it’s not natural.
VERA: Yea – don’t drink the water!
The people at lunch are looking dumbfounded at the pair of them. MARY takes a drink from her flask
RUBY: (With a nervous little wave) Hi –We are from the official Gorgeous George Fan Club. We were following his coach when he turned in here, and that stuffed shirt in the guard house up there wouldn’t let us in, and now we have lost him.
VERA: We asked some old guy fixing an even older car if he had seen him, and he didn’t know nothing – he looked like he used to be a plumber.
CORA: How could you tell that?
IRENE: Hush, Cora. I’ll tell you later.
(JACK and JOHN come rushing onto the stage)\
JACK: We just came in through the back parking lot and Georgous George’s coach is parked there. – wow – you should see it. It looks like a fancy hotel on wheels. But I didn’t see anybody.
JOHN: It is all chrome and fancy lights, and I bet it has mirrors on the ceiling in the bedroom. It has that kind of look.
CORA: Why would he have mirrors on the bedroom ceiling?
IRENE: Hush – tell you later – start a list!
RUBY and VERA: – But where is he????
A mysterious person has been moving stealthily up the stairs. She is wearing a trench coat and is carrying a camera around her neck, as well as a notebook where she is furiously taking notes. Obviously a member of the 5th estate. She stays at the edge of the stage but is moving in wherever she can catch whatever conversation she can hear. – When anybody looks in her direction, she opens up a copy of the Yuma Sun pretending to read, but trying to cover her face.
JACK: There is something not quite right about this. – The coach looks like it has just been abandoned – and Gorgeous George has disappeared into thin air!
BETTY: That is ridiculous, People don’t just disappear into thin air!
CORA: (Slapping her book on the table) See!!!!!
(MARY takes another sip of her flask)
VERA: This is spooky – do you think he has been abducted?
RUBY: (nervous giggle) – yeah, maybe by some little gray haired lady in a spaceship.
BRIAN: Young Ladies! – a little respect would be in order. How did you get in here?
VERA: (a little sheepishly) – we climbed over the wall. That was when we met “the plumber”.
Now another person comes up the stairs – he is wearing the uniform of the security staff.
ROGER: Is everyone wearing badges? (looking at RUBY and VERA) – Were you not just down at the guard house?
BETTY: (standing up and interrupting him) I believe we have a bigger problem – Apparently Gorgeous George has arrived – but nobody has seen him – and nobody knows where he is?
ROGER: Well, he arrived quite a while ago. Nice gent he was too, gave us all his autograph and picture and everything. We told him to park at the back. It is quite the rig he is driving. So he has to be here somewhere. – unless he climbed over the wall to get out! (looks pointedly at VERA and RUBY).
LYDIA: (coming forward eagerly) Sir, I am from the Yuma Sun – would you care to give a quote to the paper, and perhaps a picture of you with Gorgeous George’s picture?
(ROGER starts to stand up straighter and looking important, but is interrupted by BETTY)
BETTY: This information is not leaving the park. I don’t know how you managed to get in, young lady, but if this is leaked I shall make sure that no one in this park ever buys another subscription to the Yuma Sun!
LYDIA: Sorry – it is already too late for that – I got my information from Entertainment Tonight – I am just the beginning of the paparazzi that will start camping on your door step.
CORA: (wailing) Oh, My Gosh!!!! – Do you think Gorgeous George has been MURDERED??????????
Audrey drops a tray of fork on the floor and covers her face, MARY chugs the rest of her flask
Everyone looks thunderstruck and as the curtain closes they start to sing
Oh where, oh where has Gorgeous George gone, Oh where, oh where has he gone ….. and the piano plays it out.
Act 2, Scene 1
When the curtain opens, the stage is set up similarly to the regular board meetings. 4 men with yellow baseball hats are seated at the tables with microphones in front of them. The Architectural Control Committee. There is a man standing off to one side at a lectern holding a sheaf of papers – THE CHAIR PERSON of the ACC committee! Also on the stage is FRED ‘’BULLDOG’ TURNER, retired lawyer. Joining them will be Sir REGINALD FOGGYBOTTOM, formerly of the Old Bailey, in Jolly Old England. VERA, RUBY, BETTY, ROGER, LYDIA and CARLA. Both the chairman and the lawyer are reading from their prepared notes.
CHAIR: My fellow residents – We, the Architectural Control Committee, in our capacity as the upholders of order, aesthetics, and measurements in this park, have been asked to conduct this internal inquiry into the News Story that has made headlines around the world. If you will permit me, we would like to start our meeting in our usual manner, so I beg your indulgence for a couple of minutes.
(He turns and looks at each of his Committee members)
CHAIR: My fellow ACC Members, please stand and let us start this meeting with our Mantra:
(They all stand and speak in unison holding up their right hand as if swearing on a bible, slowly and deliberately)
ACC: Thou Shalt Not, Thou Shalt Not, Thou Shalt Not! –
NO! NO! NO!
CHAIR: Thank you, please be seated.
CHAIR: My fellow residents of Country Road – I am pleased to see so many of you assembled here today. – These are very unusual circumstances. You will notice that we, myself and the other members of our Country Roads community are reading from prepared notes in order to make sure we are covering everything in the proper manner. – Country Roads has become the center of a news story of worldwide interest. (pausing and looking out over the audience with great concern
A woman comes charging up the East staircase. She is wearing Zumba gear and is quite agitated and pays no attention to anything other than the Chairman.
CARLA: Will you please get off that stage immediately – we have this space for Zumba, and now we have to move all this stuff.
CHAIR: Whoa – whoa – hold your horses – where have you been the last few days, We are trying to find out what happened to Gorgeous George – He has disappeared right here in the park.
CARLA: Oh, I’ve been in bed with a bad cold – looking out over the crowd – Oh – good grief, I am not dressed for this!!! Runs back down again.
CHAIR: I apologize for this interruption – We have a lot of things going on here – But as I started to explain. – A few days ago, a famous entertainer apparently arrived in Country Roads and promptly disappeared
. – It has given rise to many rumours and much speculation.
There is a bit of a commotion as Sir Reggie, in full British Judge robe and wig comes stumbling up on stage and gets set up on a stool to one side.
The Chair nods at him and motions him to his stool. As the judge walks across the stage, the ACC members chant in sotto voice “Here comes the judge, here comes the judge, here comes the judge!”
The chair is getting increasingly agitated with the interruptions.
The world press is parked at our gates. All the major networks are represented, and even the various authorities have entered the fray. I understand that both the FBI, the NSA and the CIA are standing by, and even NCIS has a team on the way. – But so far they are respecting our wishes to keep this an internal matter.
(Roger comes up the stairs holding a piece of paper in his hand – he hands it to the Chair)
ROGER: Sir – this was just delivered from the Guard house – Gibbs and Abbie have requested that they come in and join us. Abby wants to fingerprint everyone in the park.
CHAIR: (Sighing) We will deal with that later. – Let them in – but just on a day pass. – (frustrated) – Let’s get on with the script:
We – my fellow members of the Architectural Control Committee and I have persuaded one of our own – retired attorney, Fred ‘Bulldog” Turner to preside over an informal inquiry of our own, to see if we can somehow establish exactly what happened. – And as luck would have it, we have a distinguished judge from Jolly Old England visiting our beautiful and well regulated park, Sir Reginald Foggybottom. Sir Reginald has kindly offered to oversee these proceedings to make sure we are keeping to the proper standards and conventions in the handling of this unfortunate incident. – It is indeed an honour to have Your Honour join us on this stage.
SIR REGGIE; Hrmph – Yes – I see once again that things have gotten out of hand in the Colonies. – Do carry on, my good man.
Sir Reginald is resplendent in wig and gown and does a lot huffing and puffing and adjusting himself at the podium.
CHAIRMAN: Thank you – Sir Reginald – I will now turn the floor over to our very own
– Mr. Fred “Bulldog” Turner – Fred!
FRED: Thank you, Mr. Chairman – Ladies and Gentlemen of Country Roads and our invited guests representing all the major networks. – As our esteemed Chairman
so eloquently explained – we are here on a fact finding mission. I will be speaking to people that were present at the time around Gorgeous George’s arrival. –
The first person to make contact with Gorgeous George upon his arrival at Country Roads was Roger Peterson, a member of our Security Staff. Roger, would you please join me on the stage?
(ROGER comes quickly up the stairs)
FRED: Roger, tell me in your own words about Gorgeous George’s arrival. And face the audience and move close to the microphone so they can hear what you are saying.
ROGER: (nervously) Well – this really huge motorhome with all the bells and whistles pulled up to the guard house and when the driver leaned out, it was Gorgeous George – in the flesh – I don’t think I have talked with that big a celebrity before. He was really nice and he gave both me and Clive in the guardhouse his autographed picture. Then we told him to park at the rear of the complex, and he waved and said “See yah” – Like we were real buds, you know?
FRED: What else do you recollect from that day?
ROGER: A short while later, these two crazy chicks show up and want to enter the park. – They said they were with Gorgeous George, but he never said anything like that, so we told them they had to be invited in by somebody in the park. So they left. – But then when I went up to check for badges on the patio later, they had somehow got in and were up there and I escorted them back outside the park. Pretty nervy, I’d say!
FRED: But no more sign of Gorgeous George?
ROGER: No. Sir.
FRED: Thank you, Roger, you may go back to your post
FRED: Would Betty Hudson please come up to the stage?
(BETTY has been waiting on the stairs and comes up quickly)
FRED: Thanks for joining us, Betty – I understand you were on the patio at the time Gorgeous George arrived? Can you tell me in your words what you know about Gorgeous George and his whereabouts? – And please step up to the microphone so we all can hear you!
BETTY: Yes, I was – but I never actually saw him. What I know about him is no more than the rest of the world. He is probably the most famous entertainer of our time. He is right up there with Elvis – Most of what I know comes from The National Enquirer, and I don’t think I’d want my daughter keeping company with him, and I am certainly not the type to go flinging my underwear around!
FRED: Ah, I somehow thought you had more information. You volunteered to come and testify?
BETTY: Yes – I did – I didn’t want those dreadful girls spreading rumours that the people of Country Roads had done away with Gorgeous George.
FRED: Thanks Betty! – Would Lydia Garcia from the Yuma Sun please come up?
(Lydia has also been waiting on the stairs and comes quickly onto the stage)
FRED: Thank you for coming up to tell us your version of events, Miss Garcia. In your own words can you tell me what you know. – And please face the audience and speak into the microphone.
LYDIA: I don’t think I can add much to what you have already ascertained. I came to Country Roads with our delivery truck in the morning of the day in question and I stayed to pick up as much gossip as I could. There was a story filed on the wire service about Gorgeous George and his addiction to gambling on just about anything. They had the story about how Gorgeous George had apparently lost a bet with his booking agent, so George now had to perform in some obscure little place in Yuma (looking out over the audience) I am sorry, but that was what the story said.
FRED: So you actually didn’t see Gorgeous George.
LYDIA: Sadly No.
FRED: Thank you, Miss Garcia. – Would Miss Vera Glockenheimer please come up on stage?
nd RUBY are standing by. RUBY stays at the end of the stage as VERA moves hesitantly to center stage.
FRED: Guten Tag, Fraulein Glockenheimer – wie geht’s heute – Oh Pardon me I just returned from a trip to Germany and still carry the lingo in my head.
FRED: Good Afternoon, Miss Glockenheimer, thanks for coming. I take it you are staying in the area till we find Gorgeous George.
VERA: (nervously) – Yesss – Sir.
FRED: Please tell us in your own words your version of events on that fateful day.- and please speak into the microphone and face the audience.
VERA: (choking back tears) – I am really scared. – Ruby and me, we have sort of
been the leaders of the Gorgeous George fan clubs for a while now, and when he is stateside, we kinda hang out wherever he is – and then he decides to go out here to Geezerville all of a sudden – and – poof – he is gone! – There is something strange going on here, I just can’t put my finger on it.
FRED: Any suspicions? – Have you noticed anything specific?
VERA: They are all so danged cheerful and happy – that’s just not normal.
FRED: I don’t really think that is illegal. Thanks for coming.
FRED: Ladies and Gentlemen – I don’t think this meeting has produced much in the way of information. – If anybody at any time sees or hears anything that would shed some light on this mystery, please call anyone on the Architectural, Control Committee or myself at any time, day or night. (he gathers his notes and looks to the Chairman to make the closing remarks)
CHAIRMAN: (totally oblivious) Well that certainly cleared up a lot of things. Thank you
Bulldog for your insightful and penetrating questions. I think we can
adjourn this meeting – (notices that the judge has nodded off) – Will somebody please wake up the judge!
(Fred rushes over to the judge to shake him– The members of the ACC start chanting:
ACC: Wake up the judge, wake up the judge, wake up the judge
CHAIRMAN: Thank you everyone for coming.
Act 2, Scene 2
Before the curtain opens on the stage, the piano starts playing “Tea for Two” as CORA and HARRY slowly come up on stage on the stairs, just sauntering looking at each other, and separating at center stage for a quick little hug and HARRY ushers CORA through the curtain and he sneaks in as the curtain opens so they don’t appear to arrive at the same time. A new romance is blossoming unnoticed amongst all the rumours.
When the curtain opens, we are on the Country Roads patio once again. JACK, CINDY, and CORA are sitting at the table on the East side and JENNIE and CAROL at the centre table. AL is at the table closest to the West side and HARRY will join him so he can look at CORA. They are all chatting quietly. Also in this scene: CARLA, JIM and MARTHA.
CINDY: I guess you all heard the outcome of today’s meeting. They didn’t discover a thing. We are right back where we started. That big motorhome is taking up half
the back parking lot. The potters and the laundry customers are none too pleased. And I won’t even mention what the Pickle ball players are saying.
CORA: I’d sure like a peek inside that motorhome. Do you think they are going to break into it one of these days?
JACK: They did let one of those FBI or CIA specialists that are camped outside come in and put one of their testers on it and they did determine that there
Is nobody inside.
AL: Yes, it is strange. – Did you see there are now four big notices on the front window. Must be driving Security nuts.
CARLA comes in from the back carrying a pickle ball racquet and looking disgusted.
CARLA: This is getting to be so frustrating – you cannot even get a partner for pickle ball any more – it is all Gorgeous George, Gorgeous George – I wish it would just all go away – it is all people are talking about. – I don’t even like Country and Western!!!
JENNIE: You would think people would be a little more careful how they behave. There are all kinds of strange things going on. I have noticed a lot of people all of a sudden are acting mighty peculiar. Coming and going at odd hours and that sort of thing. – Myrtle Hodges lives next door to us and she has been out shopping every single day this week. She always keeps to herself and you never know what she is up to.
AL: Oh you are nothing but an old busybody. You should find something
better to do than sit at that corner window all day.
JENNIE: (huffs) Huh! – just saying.
CINDY: Well, I don’t know – Millie next door to us has been back and forth to the laundry room every day. I don’t know what she can find to wash every day in that little motorhome of hers – and did you see the purple silk sheets she had on the line the other day?
AL: Meow, meow – wow, you gals are a little hard on one another, aren’t you?
CAROL: Do you think they will cancel Bingo?
CINDY: That will be the day! – It is like the post office – neither rain nor sleet or dark of night shall keep the bingo fanatics from lining up around the complex on Tuesday nights.
There is a commotion at the stairs and JIM comes rushing up almost out of breath.
JIM: I was just down at the Maintenance Yard to dump some garbage and check out the Canadian Exchange – and they have a bunch of Security going through the dumpsters. There is apparently a trail of blood leading up to one of the dumpsters!
ALL: Oh No!!!!
Everyone clusters around Jim to get more details – CORA covers her face and HARRY sits up ready to rush to her side.
CORA: (Wailing) Oh Dear! – That was my roast. I forgot it in my car overnight, so I drove down to the Maintenance Yard early this morning and dumped it in. I guess I made a trail all across the yard. – I didn’t want everybody to know what a ditz I am – and now everyone will know – I’ll have to move (wailing)
HARRY: (rushing over to console her) Sweetie – it is OK! – Don’t cry – it will be OK
CORA: Everything was just going so perfectly – I wish I had never heard of Gorgeous George!!! – I am so jinxed!
HARRY: Hush – it will all get sorted out and I am sure there is a happy ending right around the corner.
(the rest of them console her as well and assure her all will be Ok)
Somebody else now comes up the stairs – MARTHA MERGATROID comes trotting up the stairs. She looks out of breath and distraught.
MARTHA: Oh, I am in so much trouble – Gorgeous George ..
HARRY: (Interrupting quickly) What do you know about Gorgeous George?
MARTHA: Oh – he is such a sore loser.
CARLA: Do you know where he is?
MARTHA: (Wailing) He is at my house!
CAROL: All this time?
MARTHA: I just invited him in for pie and a cup of tea and….
JACK: (Interrupting) But that shouldn’t take this long!
MARTHA: Then I introduced him to gin rummy and …
JIM: (Interrupting) Still shouldn’t take this long!
MARTHA: Did I tell you he is a loser?
CARLA: That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?
MARTHA: Well, he won’t leave till he wins his 60 bucks back!
CINDY: Oh Martha, you didn’t do anything rash?
JENNIE: Why didn’t you come for help?
MARTHA: He WAS a nice fellow
CARLA: Oh Poor Martha!
CORA: (Wailing) But Martha, – the whole world thinks he has been MURDERED – Right here in Country Roads!!!!
(everyone freezes and the curtain closes.
Act 3 – scene 1
Before the curtain opens ROGERS has been coming up from along the East wall of the ball room carrying a flashing white light held aloft ala Statue of Liberty, saying “Emergency” excuse me – “emergency. He goes up on stage and enter through the center of the curtain. He places the light at the back of the stage, so it looks like there are emergency vehicles parked out back of the stage. When the curtain opens we are still on the Country Roads patio with the same cast of characters that we closed with –CORA, JACK, CINDY, AL, JENNIE, CARLA, CAROL, JIM, HARRY and MARTHA. – We also have ROGER from Security. Two members of the BOARD OF DIRECTORS and IRENE, BETTY and SUZY will show up later. MARTHA is sitting in a chair center stage with ROGER from SECURITY holding her. The residents on the patio are sitting around the two tables. There are flashing yellow lights from the security vehicles parked outside showing at the back of the stage. AUDREY the waitress is standing looking lost.
HARRY: I don’t think you need to hang on to Martha. I don’t think she is planning to run away.
MARTHA: Don’t you worry about me, Harry. I know my rights – I like to watch all those cop shows on TV, and I know what they can get away with and what not.
CINDY: Good for you, Martha. What are we waiting for anyway?
ROGER: The Chairman of the ACC. He gave us strict orders to leave no suspects unattended!
JIM: Don’t you worry, Martha – we have your back!
(BETTY is coming up the left set of stairs, loaded down with shopping bags.
BETTY: What in the world is going on here?
CARLA: Good Grief, is there anything left at The Palms Mall?
As Carla is talking , there is the sound of racing golf carts coming to a screeching halt, then a crash and glass shattering. IRENE and SUZY can be heard talking in the background before bounding up the stairs to the right)
SUZY: (Off Stage) I was just headed to that parking spot!
IRENE: (Off Stage) Me too – it looks like there is something going on!
SUZY: (Off Stage) We can sort this out later – let’s go!
(SUZY and IRENE rush up the stairs and join the rest on stage)
IRENE: We just heard something was happening – what is going on?
CORA: (wailing) – Oh – they have arrested Martha for killing Gorgeous George.
JENNIE: I am pretty sure that is a gross exaggeration – No real crime has been committed here. – I will bet you Gorgeous George is sleeping his fool head off on Martha’s Davenport.
MARTHA: That’s right, that’s right – that is how I got away and over here!
CAROL: It is beginning to sound like a clown convention around here.
CINDY: Well, I for one think we should have a say here. What do you guys think?
( She looks around the group and a few of them start nodding)
SUZY: I saw a couple of the members of the Board of Directors around the corner – the way I was driving that cart, I am surprised they haven’t shown up to talk to me about it. –
AL: And I suppose Melissa will be right behind them.
SUZY: Yup – there they are!
(Two men come up the stairs. They are wearing identical navy bomber jackets ala the FBI with BoD emblazoned on the back – members of the Board of Directors)
RALPH: What in the world is going on here? A total lack of decorum, racing golf carts, cart crashes, flashing security lights – This cannot be Country Roads?
BETTY: Hi Ralph – I am so glad you are here – I don’t know what all is going on, but, you are right, it sure doesn’t look like Country Roads. Harry was here before I got here, maybe he can tell us what has happened.
HARRY: Yes, I’ll be happy to. – It would appear that Martha invited Gorgeous
George in for pie and a cup of tea when he first arrived and she introduced him to the game of Gin Rummy, not knowing what a gambling addict he is and now he
won’t leave her house till he beats her at cards. She came to us looking for a way out.
MARTHA: Yeah, that’s right!
GORDY: (grumbling) I told you – when you start bringing in folks that have been on the cover of National Enquirer, you just never know what is going to happen.
CINDY: Lighten up – my goodness – we can all handle a little excitement. But don’t you think we are a little hard on Martha – she was just acting like a good Country Roads resident, making somebody feel welcome. Couldn’t we discuss it a little?
MARTHA: (Nods vigorously)
AL: I think that is a good idea. Let’s not fly off the handle here.
RALPH: I think maybe we should call an extraordinary meeting of the Board and see if we cannot find a solution. –Nobody has been hurt – right?
RALPH: Nothing has been Stolen – right?
RALPH: And no damage has been done to property – right?
RALPH: And it doesn’t appear any ACC rules have been broken
(everyone nods in agreement)
RALPH: Gordie, what do you think? – Could we have a little meeting here and those present that have Country Roads badges could vote, (shades his eyes and looks out into the audience for anybody with badges) and we could solve this little problem right now!
GORDY: It is kind of extraordinary, all right – but this nonsense has been going on long enough – we have to get back to normal. It is all everyone is talking about. We need to get everything back on track. – So – how do we go about it?
RALPH: I suppose we start with a show of hands to see if there is any support for this, and then we go from there.
(Everybody puts up their hand)
RALPH: Well – that looks promising – can we have a motion?
(everybody start talking at once, until BETTY stands up, looks over at Jennie and gestures to her to do a wolf whistle.
BETTY: Thanks Jennie – I move that we forget everything that has happened since the arrival of Gorgeous George’s big bus, and that we get on with the Big Show we were promised.
HARRY: I second the motion!
(Cora looks adoringly at her “hero”)
RALPH: Any questions – all in favour?
Everyone waves their arms and express their agreement
JENNIE: Yes let’s get on with the show!
(everyone expresses similar opinions)
RALPH: Motion carried – let’s get on with the show
(MARTHA shakes off ROGER’S hand and starts a little victory dance)
(AUDREY jumps up and down drumming on her tray)
(Lots of excitement on stage as the curtain closes)
As the curtain is closing – a gal carrying a folding lawn chair under one arm – and a big martini glass in the other trots up the stairs and across the stage and down the other set of stairs “looking for “ a Happy Hour.
I was invited to Happy Hour – But I can’t remember the number of the lot!
Piano plays Happy Days are here again!
Finale – Act 3 – scene 2
The curtain opens and Gorgeous George is standing with his head bowed wearing
flashy Western suit and as he starts to sing a rousing Western song, the actors start to congregate around him waving and dancing around him. There is no curtain calls, everyone is on stage when the song ends.
Gorgeous George was performed in February 2015 at Country Road RV Resort – the actors were all members of the Country Roads Drama Club and the pictures were generously supplied by Sam Shemwell to go with this blog about Gorgeous George.
A special thank you goes out to all the technical people that made the play possible. There was an army of people behind the scenes with lights, mike management, sound adjustments, prompters, moviemaker, and people herding people into place and a very special thank you to Brock and Sherry Quast for the “star” performance of the show.